My body was never perfect. But it was sufficient.

7 months pregnant

It wasn’t perfectly healthy but it didn’t get sick too often, at least after I grew out of the inevitable childhood colds and respiratory infections which, as I now read, build up the immunity that we enjoy as adults.

It wasn’t lean and long-legged as I’d have preferred, but at least it had small breasts (much more convenient than otherwise — or so I thought), small wrists and ankles which my husband really liked (he thought they looked more refined), and usually people seemed surprised when they found out my age…


The day before my son’s first birthday, me and my husband had a huge fight. Proven fact: even if you have lived in perfect peace before having kids, you will find many, many reasons to fight after… and this was one of those times.

Photo by Sofiya Levchenko on Unsplash

Long story short, my son was being difficult, and my husband, exasperated by prolonged whining and resistance, lost his temper with him. The child immediately escalated into full-blown hysterics. I was working in our home office; terrified by the screams, I ran upstairs to check what was happening and was appalled when I saw the scene…


And no, I didn’t get it (yet). If I did, the title might have been different.

Image by Alexas_Fotos from Pixabay

You know what else no one tells you about having a baby? How lonely you’ll feel.

Yet you’re never alone, one can think. You have a baby! A whole new person!

Yes, a baby. A creature who’s eating, crying, pooping, wetting his diapers and (if you’re lucky) sleeping. What it can’t do though is keep you company. Like, provide a stimulating conversation.

Or even any conversation at all.

Let’s face it: the days of a new mother (or any primary caregiver) are filled with…


The picture taken at 3 weeks of age

A month after giving birth, I was lying in my bed, consumed by an all-powerful emotion.

Fear.

“Please don’t leave me alone”, I said to my husband for the hundredth time. “Please. Take another month. Stay with me longer. I can’t do it on my own. I can’t. I won’t.”

“Come on”, he said. “We agreed long ago. Everything is already documented, papers drawn, forms filled, bureaucracy done. I can’t possibly redo all this at the last moment. You will be fine.”

I have never felt so far from fine in my life.

I live in a liberal country. A…

Rabenmutter

In German, Rabenmutter is a “Raven mother” — a mother, neglecting her children. In short, not a very good mother.

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